The Self Blame Game
"After he finally told the police about years of sexual abuse by his grandfather, a BJU official admonished him that ‘[you] tore your family apart, and that’s your fault,’ and ‘you love yourself more than you love God.’"
This is an excerpt from an article by Joshua Pease titled The Sin of Silence: The Epidemic About Sexual Abuse in the Evangelical Church, Washington Post, May 31, 2018.
I read this line in Joshua Pease’s article and thought “what?” As unbelievable as this may sound, it is representative of what many experience. Survivors of childhood trauma, particularly sexual abuse, are made to feel like they did something wrong. Unfortunately, we embrace this thought with a vise-like grip, refusing to let go.
Personally, I went through my own mind battles of what I could have done to prevent my abuse.
Should I have stayed home? Should I have said no? Should I have told my grandma who was just one wall away from where my abuse was occurring?
I was a child. There was nothing I could have done, and, still, as an adult I look back on the time as if I had options I had not exercised.
I, like many other abuse survivors, played the game of self blame.
Defining Self Blame
Self blame is the act of “attributing the occurrence of one's trauma on oneself.” In self blame, we take ownership and responsibility for being violated by someone else. For survivors of childhood trauma, much of self blame includes the replay of events in which we feel like we had some element of control. We forget, as children, we did not.
Self blame leads to shame. The survivor feels like they are less. I remember the worst of days, when I labeled myself as a “Double U”: ugly and unworthy because of what happened to me–and what I was sure I had caused. See how preposterous this sounds? I was a child who relied on my abuser to protect me–not destroy me.
Why We Do It
An article from Southern California’s Solara Mental Health network reveals the following reasons for self blame:
Manipulation or gaslighting from partners–the abuser makes the person think they are the cause of the abuse or that it’s not happening
Victim blaming–others, such as family or community, blame the person instead of the abuser
Toxic self-criticism–internalizing the blame from others resulting in increased self-blame and lower self esteem
Poor self-care–lack of caring for self which leads to harming self
Chronic feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame–isolation causes the person to overthink their trauma leading to these emotions
I know the last reason well. My childhood abuse story includes an empty court case with no one held responsible. We walked out of the courtroom and into the next phase of my life. In this phase, I was separated and protected from my abuser, but we didn’t talk of it. We didn’t process it. In my isolation, and with no one to blame, I blamed myself. I looked for an explanation or a cause and I found it in myself. I began to think I was the reason it happened and therefore something was wrong with me. I think we self blame to explain.
But you don’t win in the self-blame game. It is an enemy to healing for survivors.
Who Self Blamed in the Bible
I searched scriptures for examples of people who blamed themselves for trauma they did not cause. Job is a close example. In Job 3, after seven days in silent companionship with his three friends, Job speaks. His first recorded words are about cursing the day of his own birth. This seems like self blame. Job had not done anything in his life that would have caused this amount of destruction. Cursing his birth date has some elements of self blame in it. In later verses, we see less self blame as Job engages in debate with his friends and when God steps in the conversation.
Self Blame is a Futile Game to Play
When you’re a survivor of childhood trauma, the self-blame game always has a loser–you. You cannot win.
My battle with self blame showed signs of improvement when I embraced two thoughts.
The first comes from Romans 8:1 NKJV. It reminds me: “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” There is no condemnation in Christ. This truth showed me how God viewed me through the grace of my belief in Christ. He wasn’t blaming me. Why should I blame myself?
The second thought comes from Psalm 139, verse 14. It reminds me: “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a Great God. Who am I to question what he created? This verse helped crush much of the thought that something was wrong with me.
Your Next Steps
Tackling in the self-blame game is the key to winning. But like many games, it’s great to have a team. Think about professional and informal networks that can help you win the self-blame game.
And while you're doing that, here’s my prayer for you:
God Who Hears Us.
You hear us when we blame ourselves for our childhood trauma. You hear when we take responsibility for something which was not our fault. You hear when we tell ourselves lies about what we could have done to stop the abuse. We need your help, Holy Spirit, to fight in this self-blame game. Give us the tools we need to realize two truths: there is no condemnation in You, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made by You.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
An Invitation to the Workshop “The Jesus in MeToo”
Are you a Christian who wants to kickstart your healing from childhood sexual abuse? This workshop is an opportunity to open the door.
The MeToo Movement opens the locked door for many victims of childhood and adult trauma. It provides a platform for many to tell what happened to them and to seek justice. It also provides an opportunity to seek healing.
For those of the Christian faith, MeToo may have opened door between what you know about God and what you experienced. This important session provides space for you to explore how to initiate healing for you or someone you love and how to put your faith into action as part of a healing plan. Register here.